It has been a long time since I wrote a blog and I think it was good for me. Since my last blog there has been many changes. Nothing physical or anything but a lot of emotional changes. 

Recently I had a hard slap in the face. I was at a store and I ran into my father. Not literally, but I heard his name, looked up, and there he was. Nothing special or anything he was just seeing a friend. They started talking and this guy walks up, come to find out that it was his son. Now I have always known that my father has had many kids. He was never faithful to one girl his whole life. Which is really sucky to think about because what kind of roll model is that setting? Anyways…I stood there listening to him talk about his son and how great of a man he was. Once the employee left, my father turned around, looked my right in the eyes, and walked away. My whole life I was told that I am the spitting image of my father and here he was looking right at me and he didn’t know who I was. Needless to say I left the store and cried the whole way home, it was the longest drive of my life.

After that day I felt myself start to slow slip into my old ways and listening to everything negative. I felt like I was nothing. I felt not good enough to do anything. I found myself second guessing everything.

Then I had a little conversation with myself. One night I laid on the floor in my room in the dark with nothing but the darkness around me. It was a little scary but I knew it was something I had to do. I heard every creak my room made and I could literally feel the darkness coming down on me. I knew then that I had to stand up and fight. So I got up off the floor and decided to lay in my bed. 

The next day I woke up and felt a sense of calm. I didn’t feel “better” per-say but I did feel different. The whole day at work, every free moment I got I was thinking. There was so much stuff running through my mind I am surprised that I didn’t mess up. After work I went and picked up my roommate from work and I took her somewhere that holds a lot of good and bad memories. Once there I stood in the exact same spot that I stood 6 years earlier where I wanted to end it all and decided to stand up and change things.

I decided that I wasn’t going to settle in the darkness. I’m not gonna settle for anything less then the best. I’m going to stand up for what I believe and I am going to stand up for myself. I will embrace who I am and love the people around me. I choose to love people and show them that they are not alone. I am not at the level in my faith that my roommate is but I am growing and I will get there. That night I spoke from my heart and I felt the words.

The next day I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. I woke up and decided to put on make-up again. I felt like I was free in a sense I guess. At work I got so many compliments I felt so pretty. It’s nice to get noticed and feel special every once in awhile. The best thing about that day was one of my friends said, “I love your make-up and you look so pretty but I think you look beautiful everyday.” That seriously tugged at my heart strings! 

So never the less I am standing today because I know there is something more. Not just for me but for so many others. I know that this road will not be easy but I will walk down it anyway. Look out….

The past four days have not been easy. They have been a test of who I am without question! It all started Thursday…

You see on Thursday I was a topic of a conversation at work for about a good 30 minutes. The topic was sex! Now I am a virgin and proud of it but some people I guess don’t understand. When I say I am innocent I really mean it. I mean my face still blushes when I or someone else says certain words and there are words that I will not say. That is not a bad thing by any means. I am proud of who I am and even though yes sometimes it hurts when people laugh at my expense, I know there is something better out there for me. When I left work that day I admit I was a little shaken but I still held strong to my beliefs. Then Friday rolled around….

Friday was probably one of the hardest days I have had in awhile. You see on Wednesday, I had a home inspection which didn’t turn out every good. Even though the air conditioning, the pool, and the patio cover where on the list of worries I still went to the next step which was finding out what was wrong with the ac unit. Well, the unit needed to be replaced which is a nice total of $5,400. I know my jaw dropped to. So when my realtor told the bank that if they didn’t fix it we were gonna walk they said they wouldn’t and I walked away. The rest of day was filled with tears and doubt.

It felt as though I was being pulled in two. Just like the classic cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other…well that’s where I was. I started to doubt even getting a house. There were thoughts of throwing in the towel and just forgetting the whole thing. Then there were thoughts of getting an apartment which to be honest is still in the back of my mind. With all these thoughts running through my mind I received a very strong headache and decided to turn off my phone. 

Sitting in silence with the lights off I came to realize that I was letting the dark and evil spill through the cracks. There is so much good and love that will come from this move. I can’t let one little set back make me doubt the bigger picture. So I laid in my bed repeating the worlds “you will not win, LOVE is greater” over and over, first in my mind and then before I knew it I was yelling the words in my room. I felt my headache slowly starting to go away.

There is so much darkness in the world that sometimes its hard to find the light. I choose to fight the darkness. I choose to stand when the pressure becomes so great. I choose to walk through the storm. I choose to love when the heart is broken. I choose to have faith when there is nothing left. 

Nothing will stop this move because I know there is something great and amazing coming. No one will push me down because of what I believe in. I am who I am and I am still learning to love that person. It is a constant struggle but I have some great co-pilots to help me fly. 

You think I am different…..you have no idea.

This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions. Where to start….

This was the weekend that Julia was in town. She brought along a friend named Jaylne who I had never met before, but we became instead friends. Jaylne is literally my music soul mate haha. That’s kinda funny to say but is a totally true statement. 

Saturday was probably one of the most remarkable days I have ever witnessed. We started the day with breakfast which was pretty delish. Then we traveled to five different Walmarts all over the Las Vegas valley. It was fun and a little adventure. Some of the Walmarts I didn’t even know were there. Once we were done with the “fun” work it was time for the whole reason why Julia and Jaylne came to Vegas in the first place.

My friend Julia had a vision. A vision of showing those who feel lost, forgotten, or unloved that they aren’t lost, forgotten, or unloved! So we went to the Las Vegas strip and fed the homeless. We passed out bologna sandwiches, bananas, chips, and cookies to those who needed it. With Julia, Jaylne, Dominique, and I that night 12 people did not go to sleep hungry and that is an amazing feeling. I got to see first hand Gods love reaching out to those who needed it the most. Seeing those who most of society would just walk on by be touched by God was breath taking. To reach out to someone and say you are loved was amazing. It was such a blessing to be apart of something so moving.

Sunday was a very internally emotional day. You see for some reason lately I have been feeling that maybe photography isn’t my calling. If it’s not what I was called to do then what is? Well God revealed it to me through my amazing friends. It’s crazy how He does that sometimes :) You see I found myself sitting in a circle with some great people just listening. Listening to them talk about ways God has touched their lives, how He has spoken to them, and what love really is. I found myself not talking, just listening. In the middle of everything I realized what I should have known all along. 

I’m not meant to stand in the spot light. I wasn’t called to be the one that stands up on stage and speaks to the masses. I wasn’t called to be the leader in a massive army. 

I was called to be the person behind the curtain. To be the person that picks the hero up when they fall. To be the constant word of positive advise. The one that reminds people to never give up!

It’s not the most glamorous or easiest thing out there but I have learned that that is me. A few years ago I would have thought you were crazy if you had told me all these. Why would someone ever want to be the shadow to the great one? But now I look at all the great people in history i.e. Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Joan of Arc and I see the people that stood at their side.

To many this idea might sound stupid but once again I don’t care. Look at your life and I’m sure you will find someone exactly like what I am talking about. If you don’t, then look up because there is one person who will never leave your side and He has been there from the start.

I haven’t written anything in awhile, so I thought today might be a good day to write something that has been on my mind for awhile now.

You see, I am in the process of looking and buying a house. I know weird/scary right! But it is true. When I first started to look, I was a total mess. I didn’t know if this was a good idea or bad. Most of my family thinks it is a bad idea because I don’t know what I am doing. I have never been on my own before and to be honest I only learned how to do my own laundry about a year ago.

But there are those few that believe I can do it. My aunt tells me that I am not going to do it only because she will miss me too much :) But deep down she is proud and I know that because she tells me. My good and true friends tell me all the time that they are excited for me. But I still have those days where I doubt myself.

A couple of days ago I had a breakdown! I totally lost it and spent 15 hours locked in my room, most of the time crying because I didn’t know what to do. During those 15 hours I prayed, I prayed a lot! I would write in my journal and then talk to the darkness and then go back to writing. That night God eased my weary heart with a dream. I dreamt of sitting next to my dear friends, in my living, just talking. The tv wasn’t on and there was the slightest sound of music playing in the background. We were sitting on the couch eating snacks and drinking soda, but most of all we were all laughing. Listening to stories of each other and laughing about the stupid things we had done in the past. There was a sense of peace that I had forgotten about. I woke up from the dream calm and finally at ease with my decision.

There are many things that you have to look into when taking such a big step, but I am ready for them. This isn’t going to be an easy journey and honestly I’m not expecting it to be anymore. I know there will be hard times and I am sure there will be loads of tears but what really matters is what lays beyond the hard times. I look forward to this new season because I know the season after it will be amazing.

My only concern now is where am I going to get all my furniture?

Today I spent most of the day thinking and doing nothing. I woke up at around 8 thanks in large part to my dogs who decided it would be fun to bark at each other and run around my living room. Anyways…I didn’t really have any plans until noon when I was having lunch with my aunt.

So for a good 4 hours I stayed in bed, listened to music, and thought about a lot of things. I thought about life, the future, money, buying a house, and most of all I thought about friendship.

Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. You see by all accounts I don’t have a “best” friend. Someone that I can tell everything too and someone that I completely trust. Trust has always been a big tissue with me. I pride myself on being very trustworthy and keeping my mouth shout when I’m asked to. But I have the hardest time telling people that I trust them. Does that make me a oxymoron? 

I am learning to trust people more but still no one knows the whole truth. The closest thing I have to a best friend would be my friend, Julia. We met in December when we both attended the same concert in Arizona. That concert has changed me in so many ways that I can’t even describe them all. Anyways…we kept in touch via twitter and texts. She visited Vegas in January and I actually stayed with her in the hotel. For me that was the biggest step ever because here I was staying with someone I didn’t know and for all I knew she was gonna kill me in my sleep. 

Thankfully I am still here, duh. After her visit I felt different. It’s strange but I had this feeling that she was a different kinda person. Someone who puts others before themselves and someone who loves people before they even meet them. I was right on all accounts :) In a lot of ways Julia is like me, the sister I never had. We have the same musical choices, we believe in the same things, we treat others the way we want to be treated, but most importantly we believe that love is the ultimate power. Wither it is love for family, love for people, or love that comes from God. Love is the ultimate power and most times it is ignored.

In other news I am buying a house. Yes I said buying a house at the young age of 24. To be completely honest I am scared to death about it. At times I feel like this is a stupid and rash decision and at other times I believe that I am doing the best thing for myself and the future. Julia is going to be one of my roommates and I am 100% ready for her to be within knocking distance. 

People enter our lives, sometimes for only just a moment but, it’s those moments that we should stop and appreciate. Stop and thinking about who we just met and why. If we do that then maybe the world wouldn’t be such a lonely place sometimes. This world is so big and yet it is so small because everyone we meet knows someone else, and they know someone, and those people know other people, and so on and so on. It is a never ending cycle of people and love. I think that is just an amazing thing to realize!